Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Speaking of the Desert

As life continues to unfold in its own wondrous way, the desert analogy Vello brought up the other day comes around once again.
My writing (not blog) came to a bit of a grinding halt a few days ago when I needed to stop and do some 'research' in the depths of beliefs underlying the topic I was using as an example. As I allowed the process to reveal itself by moving toward the discomfort I came to a layer of feeling extremely vulnerable where early trauma had taken place then as I went deeper into that experience I came to the place I can only describe as existential lack. I would venture to guess it is likely the realization we all have as we take on this limiting physical experience. It doesn't take much to be able to see that this shattering event colours our world in more ways than we generally realize. As I look at the world now I can see some form or extrapolation of it as the root of pretty much all conflict and unhappiness as well as the driver behind most achievement in the world. It is the father of concepts such as inadequacy, insufficiency, unworthiness, not enoughness of every kind. It's also not an accident. It is the great fear based motivator that propels us out into the world. Here's the thing though, all the beliefs and strategies and behaviours we develop to get away from or satisfy the perceived needs this feeling of lack engender don't really work; at least not in the long run. I don't think they're meant to either. It also seems to be the beacon that calls us Home again, back to the primordial source of Being where there is no lack; there is no thing here, no form, all potential. This we seem to want to avoid like the plague however so it isn't a place we tend to even want to visit let alone rest in. I suspect that has something to do with the trauma of the loss we experienced that brought us to the experience of lack, who wants to hang out there?
So back to the desert, what hit me as I realized how insidious the ways are that I have of moving away from the emptiness or hollowness of the Void I decided to go on a 40 day fast. Not from food but from making any decision about work. In the middle of all this realization the thought had come up that it was time for me to go out there a do something to earn money. I didn't catch the implication at first, I just started talking about it and doing a little research on the net. But it didn't feel good; it wasn't based on something I really wanted to do but rather on the urge to do something. That was the clue, it was yet another way of avoiding what was coming up which was to fully engage the no-thingness. That's when the thought of the 40 days came up where I not only refrain from making decisions about work but I keep coming back to the place that is always here but generally unnoticed. Be still and know the Void. That process started yesterday and so I'm into it now. Should be interesting to see where I go with it knowing how tricky I can be at deceiving myself into thinking I'm doing things that I really am not. Tis the human condition after all.

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