I remember clearly the day over 20 years ago now when I finally stopped running away from sadness and just let myself feel it completely. I was sitting in the backyard at the house I lived in in Calgary at the time. I have no idea why I ended up facing the sadness at that point but I did. When I stopped resisting what was going on inside me I was awash with sadness. As I just noticed what I was feeling and allowed myself to be curious about it I realized for the first time that this was a very familiar feeling. In fact, it had been part of the background noise most of my life. I had been painfully aware of it at various times but never very friendly with it that's for sure. I had learned well to ignore it for the most part unaware that the effects of it were being felt in other ways such as anger or being shut down and kind of numb.
Some of the things I've learned about sadness over the ensuing 20 years has been a bit surprising to me. For instance, when I let myself feel it completely, without judgment or resistance, sadness invariably shifts into an expansive feeling that I can only describe as love. It's like sadness is really love pressed down and imprisoned in the psyche and the body. As long as I resist it or ignore it I am really blocking the flow of love and life that is always wanting to move through me. No wonder it gets so uncomfortable and turns to anger and that flat, lifeless feeling when its repressed!
|Fractals of Love|