Dealing with Heartache

I've been pondering affairs of the heart lately, having clients and friends going through particularly difficult times at the moment. Funny how things seem to happen in bunches; all quiet on a certain front for a long time then all of a sudden several people in my life having similar experiences.

Intimate relationships are undoubtedly one of the most challenging areas for many of us. If there is anything lurking under the surface of awareness that needs our attention there probably isn't any better way to bring it to the forefront than through relationship. We usually get caught up in thinking it is about the relationship though so we often miss the opportunity to bring compassionate attention to the real source of the 'problem'. I certainly did for most of my life. I have vivid memories of lots of heartache and pain that bordered on hysterical around my relationships. I had no idea how to deal with what was coming up back then, all I could do was survive, and repeat the same old dynamics over and over with different faces and in different places.

What I have come to realize is that the pain and heartache that come up when a relationship fails or is going through difficult times is more often than not very old pain that is triggered by current events but not rooted in them. It has much more to do with things that happened and what we decided about ourselves and about life before we were 6 or 7 than what is going on today. We had no idea what to do with what was going on when we were small so we filled in the gaps with ideas like 'I must have done something wrong', 'There's something wrong with me', 'I'm not wanted', 'They hate me or they want to hurt me', etc. We all have our own version but they have a similar sentiment. Then we grow up thinking similar thoughts whenever anything reminds us of the traumatic things that happened in the past and we end up reliving the trauma over and over in our minds and bodies. We get so used to it that we think it's just the way it is and have no idea that it isn't the way it is but rather the way we think it is. Two very different things.

The bottom line is that when we are triggered and feeling heartache or heartbreak, it's an amazing opportunity to go back to the real source of the pain, which is within, and bring the compassionate, loving attention that was not available when we first experienced the pain. It's still there, lodged in the body memory, waiting for someone (that'll be you) to acknowledge it, and bring understanding and compassion. It isn't the bad guy! The sweet innocent core of being is just in behind the pain. Don't run or distract yourself from it, move toward it, embrace it, get to know it, question the ideas you have developed about it but love the innocent being behind it. Let the sweetness of that innocence flow through the pain so you can reconnect with it and live from that sweet Essence rather than the facsimile you've developed to get you through the day.

Know that all is well right here and now. Life is bringing you exactly what you need in the moment and you're it.

Namaste